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5 Signs that I’m PMSing According to Sven

Sadly, this is real.  Artist credit: Sven.

Fine, I’ll admit it. I have visible signs of PMS. No, I don’t mean pimples or bloating. More like crankiness and irritability. Over the years, Sven has developed an acute awareness for the onset of said PMS. Sometimes, he even notices before I do (which just makes me even more cranky and irritable that he’s accusing me of PMSing when I don’t think I am). Alas, here are Sven’s five signs that it’s “Code Red.”

  1. We’ll be cuddling, and I’ll gently rub her thigh/stomach/arm, and she will throw my hand to the side and yell, “I don’t like it when you touch my fat!”
  2. If she gets food cranky when she’s PMSing, it’s 1000x worse than her regular food cranky. If you know Melanie, you know that’s bad. [See: “Dude, you better run…that bitch is crazy!”]
  3. It’s bedtime and she’ll ask me questions like, “What was your most favorite day ever in your life?” …and then refuse to cuddle with me when I refuse to answer them.
  4. An early sign is when I am telling her a story, and she gives me her impatient “hurry up” face. Or she won’t even listen to me at all. That’s when I start to realize I’m in trouble for the next few days.
  5. She will start cleaning at weird times (like when we come home late at night after going out) and say it’s because the mess makes her feel like her throat is closing up.

And these are just the subtle signs that full-blown PMS is coming soon. After that, there are the obvious symptoms, like irrational yelling, and changing her clothes over and over again before giving up and saying “I don’t look good in anything.”

But I know she’s a crazy ass bitch, and I love her anyway.

– Sven


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