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Sven and I are not sexually compatible

Sven and I don’t have nearly as much sex as we want to be having. He’s probably going to hate that I’m writing about this, but I don’t care. This blog is supposed to be about how my marriage is not perfect despite the fact that we have a crazy amount of love and respect for each other, and how it’s that mutual love and respect that gets us through our not-so-perfect times. Yet, Sven and I have been sexually incompatible for years, and I have never even considered about writing about it until now. Nor have we done a very good job of trying to fix it.


The problem is not attraction or desire – I think Sven is the hottest guy in the world, and I know he feels the same way about me. The problem is that our body clocks are completely off-sync, so we rarely want to have sex at the same time.

Sven is a morning person. His energy level starts off high in the morning and steadily declines into the evening. By bedtime, he just wants to sleep. Game over. On the other hand, I’m a night owl. I hate mornings, and it takes me several hours upon waking to become functional. By nighttime, especially after I’ve wound down from the stresses of work, I’m ready to romp before passing out from post-coital bliss.

Because I go to work two hours before Sven does, this means the only sex we have during the week is late-night quickie sex, which I usually force Sven into. I used to think he liked it, but ever since he started saying “no” to my midnight advances, he finally admitted he used to just do it because he was scared of me. I know I used to be kind of crazy, but that just makes me sound like a dominatrix. Which I am not.

Then there’s the weekend morning sex that I sometimes give into because Sven is raring to go, and I feel bad squashing his desire even though there is a high probability I will fall asleep in the middle of it. Even if I stay awake, usually I just lay there. And I feel bad about not being more into it, because I want to be more into it, I just can’t in the morning.

So, we still have a decent amount of sex, but it’s often not very good because one of us is half asleep. On the rare occasion we have a free Saturday afternoon to spend in bed, it’s phenomenal, and we always vow to do it more often. But then we don’t. And then we fight the next time one of us is horny as shit and the other is too tired. Like we did last night, and then I vowed to write about it so I would finally hold myself accountable and actually try to do something to fix it.

Obviously, we need to be better at prioritizing sex. Sure, it’s more fun when it’s spontaneous…in theory. Our schedules are always so busy that we probably need to put sex on the calendar for it to actually happen. Is that sad? Hey, at least it will build anticipation…

Or, we can pretend that we’re on vacation. Vacation sex is the best. We’re always relaxed, we have nothing else to prioritize, and we’re always on the same page. I actually wrote about pretending to have vacation sex at home to add some spark in the bedroom, but there’s still the issue of finding the time to do it when our energy levels both match. Life just gets in the way, doesn’t it?

I’m going to turn to you, dear readers, for any suggestions on how Sven and I can find our sex/life balance. Has anyone else faced a similar body clock conflict and found a way through it? Any and all suggestions welcome!

UPDATE: Sven has a “brilliant” idea to improve our sex lives.

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Sven - 05/14/2013 - 1:04 pm

She is not kidding when she says midnight advances. It’s not 9.30 or even 10.30 or 11. If I’m lucky if it’s 11.30 but most likely she will wait until she solved a few crossword puzzles in bed and the clock reached 12.30.
My advances (between 1pm and 10pm) are being treated as sexual harassment.

Melanie - 05/28/2013 - 7:33 pm

Not helping, Sven!!!

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